Cruel Despair
by Dwizzeeb
Summary: One of Degrassi's 9th graders has a big secret. Will romance, friendship, and broken hearts cause the secret to be revealed? WARNING: Slash. *Chapter 7's up*
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, the characters, yadda yadda yadda. Also, I'd like to add that this is my first Degrassi fic ever, and my first fic in a long time, so I'm sorry if it's absolutely horrible. I haven't seen all the episodes, either, so if I got something in the story wrong or something like that, let me know and I'll try to change it. Thanks.  
  
Warning! Slash. If you can't handle it, don't read it. I also realize that the pairing in this story isn't the most likely couple in the world (in fact, it is probably one of the least likely), but, hey, that's why they call it fiction, right? Right.  
  
  
  
Cruel Despair  
  
  
  
Marco del Rossi's head was on his desk, laying on his arms as he half-listened to Mrs. Kwan's endless droning. He hadn't a clue what she was talking about, and frankly, he didn't care. He was too busy staring at the clock, waiting for the school day to be over and for the weekend to finally arrive.   
  
Three, two.. Marco stopped counting as the final bell rang, and stood up slowly out of his seat, watching the other students run out as quickly as possible. Guess they're as excited as I am that it's Friday, he thought with an amused smile as he threw his books and papers into his backpack and walked out of the classroom.  
  
Making his way to his locker, Marco wasn't quite sure why he was so excited to get out of school that day. It wasn't as if he had any big plans; it was a weekend like any other. He and Ellie were going to work on some homework at her house, but besides that, there wasn't any reason in particular for him to be so relieved. Maybe, he couldn't help but think in the back of his mind as he opened up his locker and stuffed his books inside, maybe it's because you'll finally be able to get away from the one person who's been driving you crazy for the weekend..  
  
"Hey, you." His thoughts were interrupted as a redheaded, plaid and pleather-clad girl appeared beside him.  
  
"Hey, Ellie," Marco said with a genuine smile. "Still on for the homework?"  
  
Ellie Nash, one of Marco's best friends and the only person who knew his true self, nodded as she watched him slam his locker door shut and place his lock on it securely. "Yep, I definitely need the help. Geometry is killing me."   
  
The two walked out of the school together and down the street, holding hands as they were still trying to keep the "boyfriend-girlfriend" image apparent. "Then you'll be happy to know that I'm acing Geometry," Marco told her with a smug smile.  
  
Ellie's hand hit his arm playfully. "Smarty pants," she muttered.   
  
Laughing, they walked up to Ellie's doorstep. Marco waited as Ellie unlocked the door with her key, and then pushed the door wide open. Marco followed her inside silently, and then up the stairs to her bedroom.   
  
Ellie dropped her backpack on the floor the moment they entered the room, and Marco dropped his as well, as Ellie turned on the stereo to a punk-sounding group that Marco didn't recognize. Wondering how in the world she could listen to the music she did, he unzipped his backpack and took out pencils, paper, and his Geometry book. Ellie did the same, and sat cross-legged on her bed. Marco sat beside her and opened up his book to the chapter they were working on. Ellie looked over at his book and pointed at the page. "See, this is what I don't get. The whole inverse-converse-contrapositive-blah blah blah thing. I always get them confused."  
  
"Uh huh.." Marco's face stared blankly ahead, his mind in a whole different world. He just couldn't help day dreaming about..  
  
"Uhh, Marco?" Ellie's hand waved in front of his face, and Marco snapped out of it.  
  
"Oh, man, Ellie, I'm so sorry, I just.."  
  
"What's been up with you lately? You've been doing that all day today."  
  
Marco blushed slightly. He hadn't realized that his day dreaming had been so noticeable.   
  
Ellie stared at him for a long while, and then a small, knowing smile appeared on her face. "Looks to me like someone has a crush."  
  
"What?" Marco burst out with a nervous laugh, but didn't deny anything, just sat still, his face turning the color of Ellie's hair.  
  
Her eyes widened, her mouth dropped, and she let out a small squeal. She pushed her books and notebook out of her lap, and leaned in excitedly. "You do! Is this you first male crush?"  
  
Still crimson, Marco let out a small sigh and nodded slowly. He hadn't planned on telling anyone about the feelings he was hiding for someone, but now that Ellie had guessed it, he just wanted to be able to tell someone, even if she would think he was insane.  
  
"Who is it?" Ellie asked. Marco was surprised at how interested she was acting. He would've thought she would be uncomfortable, especially because of the fact that she had had a crush on him just a little while ago, and that he had just revealed to her that he was gay.  
  
He paused for a moment. "I can't tell you." Although he was pretty sure he would tell her anyway, he was still feeling immensely embarrassed about it.  
  
"Who else can you tell?" she asked, and then added, "Please, Marco," with a puppy face that he just couldn't turn down.  
  
Marco laughed a little bit, and then sighed, giving in. "All right, all right. But I swear, if you laugh, I will kill you."  
  
Ellie pretended to zip her lips shut, and then stared at him seriously. Here goes nothing, Marco thought. "Okay.. It's.."  
  
  
  
(Hahaha, looks like you're just going to have to wait until next chapter to see who Marco's got it bad for. I know, you're all on the edge of your seats, aren't you? Well, click on over to that "Review" button. The more reviews I get, the faster I'll go--I swear, it's like my fuel or something.)  
  
(Oi, if anyone could help me with HTML tags, it would be very appreciated. Whenever I try to use them, after I upload the chapter they don't work--they turn out like this: brbr. It's driving me crazy!) 


	2. Chapter Two: Floating Forests in the Air

A/N: Wee! Okay, okay, okay, I'm done with the second chapter. Like I said before, the couple is probably one of the least likely out of everyone, so don't hate me for it. ;x I'm just.. convinced they want each other. Even my brother thinks so! (Kinda.) Okay, enough with my blabbing. And thanks times 783290278 to everyone who reviewed. Oh, and by the way, I have no idea how to spell "aqquantince" and spell check wasn't helping so sorry about that one.  
  
Oh, and sorry that this chapter is pretty short. Next one will be longer, I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye! I'm a loser. Love me.  
  
Cruel Despair: Chapter Two  
  
Ellie pretended to zip her lips shut, and then stared at him seriously. Here goes nothing, Marco thought. "Okay.. It's.."  
  
Ellie stared at Marco, waiting for an answer, although she had mixed feelings. She definitely wanted to know who Marco had feelings for, but at the same time, was scared to know. Although she'd told him numerous times that her more-than-friends feelings for Marco were over, inside those feelings were still there, though she hid them as best as she possibly could.  
  
Marco let out a sigh, which awoke Ellie from her thoughts. She raised an eyebrow at him and said, "Just tell me."  
  
"It's just.. You'll laugh. I know you will. I mean, I'm absolutely positive that this.. person doesn't like guys," Marco told her, frowning.  
  
With an exasperated sigh, Ellie hit Marco on the arm playfully. "Marco.."  
  
Marco laughed a little. "Okay, okay, okay." He took in a deep breath, and then said slowly and quietly, his eyes closed, "It's.. It's. It's Spinner."  
  
Thinking she heard him wrong, Ellie coughed. "Umm. What?"  
  
Sighing, Marco replied, louder this time, "Spinner. I like Spinner."  
  
Dumbfounded and shocked, Ellie sat still, staring at her hands. "Spinner.. Mason?" she whispered finally.  
  
"Do you know any other Spinners?"  
  
It wasn't that Ellie disliked Spinner that much. They weren't that close, but she considered him a sort of friend, maybe just an aqquantince. However, she'd seen the way he had treated Marco. She knew the two were friends, but with Spinner constantly calling Marco a "fag" and other derogatory comments, she couldn't fathom the idea that Marco could have feelings for him.. How he could have feelings for Spinner, and not her.  
  
"I know, it's weird," Marco said, breaking the silence, almost as if he had read her thoughts. "I don't.. I don't even know why, really." He let out a small, nervous laugh and stared at the bed, tracing his finger across the pattern on her comforter. Ellie watched, and then had to turn away. This isn't real, she thought.  
  
"Say something." She looked up at him and he was looking into her eyes, as if he was waiting for her approval. Too mesmerized by his eyes, however, she wasn't able to respond until she could finally muster up the strength to tear her eyes away from him.  
  
"It's.. Wow." Ellie laughed nervously, just like he had done before. "Definitely didn't expect that."  
  
"I know.. I didn't either," Marco said quietly, now staring at the comforter again. "It's just hard, you know? I hate this. Why can't I like girls.." He trailed off, his voice breaking.   
  
Watching him, Ellie noticed a tear fall from his eye. Immediately she leaned over and placed her arms around him, pulling him into a comforting hug. "Oh, Marco.." she whispered. "It'll get better. I promise." Looking down, she was surprised to see her own tears on Marco's shirt, but didn't try to stop them, crying for Marco, and for herself. 


	3. Chapter Three: What You Mean, is it What...

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A/N: Wee, I wrote the third chapter quicker than I thought I would. It's definitely my favorite so far (why do I always love the third chapter I write in stories?) and it's longer than the last one! :pats self on back: Hope you like, and thanks for the reviews! And Punk Poser, thanks for the tip! It worked, you rock. Keep em coming, you know you want to. I'll give you a banana. ;)

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Cruel Despair

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Chapter Three

Spinner Mason lay on his twin bed in his small, untidy room, throwing a brightly colored Nerf football up into the air and catching it. Throwing it a little too hard, it hit the ceiling and then came back down, smacking him on the forehead. He cursed loudly just as the phone rang, making him jump. He reached over to his bright red phone with a tangled cord, and picked up the receiver. "Hello?"  
  
"Spin!" a voice shouted on the other end. "It's Jimmy," he added.  
  
"Oh, hey, Jimmy," Spinner replied, laying back on his bed and staring at the neon football that now sat in his fish tank, water splattered on his plain, white wall and wooden desk. "What's up?"  
  
"Nothin'. Paige is dragging me to the mall with her.. Hazel can't go and I think Terri's pissed at her or something." Spinner could almost see Jimmy shrugging on the other end. "You wanna go?"  
  
Thankful to finally have an excuse to get out of his house, Spinner nodded, and then remembered Jimmy couldn't see him. "Yeah, sure," he said.  
  
"All right. Come over and then we'll go."  
  
"Sweet. See ya." Spinner stood up and hung up the phone, then out of his room and into the small bathroom with peach and white decor across the hall. He examined his forehead in the mirror. Slightly red, but not too noticeable. Checking his hair and dabbing on some cologne, he then raced out of the bathroom and down the steps. "Going to the mall!" he called to anyone who would listen, and then, picked his wallet up off the coffee table in his living room, grabbed his jacket, and walked outside.   
  
The cold winter air hit him right away, and he hurriedly put his jacket on, shivering. He rubbed his hands together as he walked down the sidewalk towards Jimmy's, glancing around the neighborhood. He saw kids playing in the snow, making snowmen, angels, forts. Laughing, throwing snow at each other. A sudden desire came over him, a feeling of emptiness. It wasn't something new; he'd been feeling like something was missing for a long time, but could never quite figure out what. He had good friends, wasn't a huge loser. But still, that feeling lingered silently inside him, torturing him. He knew his friends could tell something was wrong, at least, Jimmy could; he hadn't picked on a grade seven in over a week.   
  
Before he knew it, he had arrived at Jimmy's. He and Paige were already waiting in front. They looked up as they spotted him. "Hey, man," Jimmy greeted him.   
  
"Ready?" Paige asked, smiling.  
  
Spinner nodded. "Ready."  
  
The three walked down the sidewalk side by side, Paige in the middle, always the center of attention. "So, why are we going to the mall, anyway?" Spinner asked, staring ahead of him.  
  
"Hazel's birthday present," Paige responded. "I'm thinking.. Maybe a cute skirt, or the new *NSYNC DVD." Spinner caught Jimmy's eye, and the two laughed.   
  
Paige hit them both playfully in the stomach. "Shut up!" She let out a dreamy sigh. "You both just wish you were in *NSYNC."  
  
That made Spinner laugh harder. "Uhh.. Yeah. Sure."  
  
A few minutes later, they came to the town mall, sort of small and in dire need of improvement and new stores, but it worked. They walked up the sidewalk to the doors, Spinner pulling one open. Paige walked in, Jimmy followed, and Spinner trailed behind.  
  
"Let's go in here first," Paige said, pointing to a store chock full of junior girl's clothing, pink halter tops, jean shirts, long, black dresses.  
  
"Uhh.." Jimmy glanced at Spinner, who shrugged. "Why don't you go in, and we'll wait outside? We can sit on this bench." He tapped a wooden bench painted fire engine red, chipped in parts.  
  
"No way," she said, grabbing both their wrists and dragging them inside of the store. "You have to help me pick something out!"  
  
Laughing and protesting at the same time, the two boys reluctantly followed her inside the store. TVs hung from the ceiling, playing a Britney Spears music video. Rolling his eyes, Spinner followed Jimmy and Paige around the store while she examined different skirts, holding each of them up to the two and asking their opinions. "Ugly," was Spinner's only comment on every one.  
  
"Shut up, Spinner! Really," Paige said, obviously irritated by Spinner's lack of interest.  
  
"What do you expect? This is girl stuff," Spinner told her, shrugging. But Paige's eyes were looking beyond him, towards the entrance to the store.   
  
Spinner turned around and saw what she was looking at. Marco del Rossi and Ellie Nash, two of his friends from school, were entering the store, laughing and talking with each other, not noticing the three of them.   
  
At that moment, something hit Spinner, something that he couldn't begin to explain. It was like a pang in his chest; it didn't feel good, but it didn't hurt, either. It just felt.. weird.   
  
Trying to ignore it, Spinner called out, "Oh, look, it's Ellie and her girlfriend, Marcy."   
  
At the sound of his voice, Marco and Ellie looked up, seemingly startled. For a moment, Marco looked frozen stiff, and Ellie gave him a concerning look. Then, the two of them walked towards Spinner, Paige, and Jimmy, Ellie and Paige exchanging annoyed looks.  
  
"Funny, Spinner," Marco said, letting out a fake laugh.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Paige asked Ellie abruptly, and then turned to Marco and smiled brightly. "Oh, hi, Marco."  
  
"We're shopping. That's normally what people do when they go to a mall," Ellie shot back, her eyes narrowed.  
  
"But why in here? I mean.." Paige looked Ellie up and down, from her white tank top with black bra straps showing, her red and black plaid skirt, black tights, and combat books, holding a black jacket in her arms. "You just don't see, the, ahem, _type_ to shop in a store like this," she said, a fake smile plastered across her face. The three boys stood back, glancing back and forth between the two girls and at each other, silently laughing and mouthing "cat fight."  
  
"Not that it's any of your business," Ellie responded, and grabbed Marco by the elbow, who winced with pain, pulling him in a different direction. "Let's go, Marco."  
  
"Bye, guys," Marco said, waving with his free arm and smiling.  
  
As Ellie and Marco walked away, the same weird feeling flooded back to Spinner. It was almost a feeling of longing, and something, he wasn't sure what, wouldn't let him tear his eyes away from Marco. He started to notice things, little things; Marco's dark, almond colored eyes and long, black eyelashes; his hands that held Ellie's delicately and distantly as if her's would break any minute, medium sized and rough around the top, but with smooth palms; his skin, dark and almost tanned looking. He watched as Marco and Ellie laughed over the key chains they were looking at near the counter, and almost wished that it was him instead of Ellie that could be laughing with Marco like that.  
  
Suddenly, it hit Spinner what he was thinking about, and he froze, panicking, confused. _What the fuck? _he thought, scowling at himself. _What are you doing?_  
  
"Uhh, Spinner?" Jimmy's voice alarmed him, and he jumped slightly, shaking his head to stop himself from thinking. "You okay, dude?"

"Yeah.." Spinner replied slowly, looking away from Marco, still a little shaken. Pulling himself together, he grinned at Jimmy, who was giving him a questioning look. "I'm good. Marco's such a fag," he said, laughing, but feeling incredibly guilty about saying it.

"Dude, shut up, that's so old," Jimmy said. 

Paige rolled her eyes, then turned back to the skirt that was held out in front of her. "This is the one," she announced, and headed towards the counter with Jimmy at her side. 

Spinner lagged behind. "Fag," he muttered under his breath, but not about Marco this time.

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A/N: Oh, crap, I forgot to mention. About the stuff between Ellie and Paige -- I'm not really sure what they feel about each other. I read somewhere about Ellie "not afraid to stand up to Paige" or something (I missed **a lot **of episodes ;x), and I figured they didn't like each other, but I don't really know, so if I got that wrong and they're like, friends or something (even though I've never seen that) then sorry about that. I'm gonna keep it though, it works.


	4. Chapter Four: Here We Lay Again, On Two ...

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A/N: Yeah, I know, I'm a loser and I haven't written this forever. I'm sorry, I just lose my inspiration sometimes. The good thing is, though, that I know pretty much all what's basically going to happen in the story. Now, the hard part, writing it. Hope this chapter doesn't suck. I don't want the story to seem like it's moving too fast, but then again, I don't want to have a whole bunch of boring chapters about nothing, either, so we'll see how it goes. Oh, and THANK YOU for all the sweet reviews, you guys. Keep 'em coming. ;)

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Cruel Despair

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Chapter Four

"Hey, Marco, wait up!"

Hearing his name as he was exiting the Media Immersion Lab, Marco casually spun around in the doorway and looked for the speaker. His eyes landed on Spinner, who was grinning and headed his way. Taken aback, he froze, feeling his knees lock. He grabbed the door frame to keep his balance, and quickly straightened himself up, a half smile across his face. "Hey, Spin, what's up?" he asked, trying his hardest not to look as startled and nervous as he felt. He'd been avoiding Spinner all day to keep himself out of situations like this, but he couldn't exactly run away now.

"Where's Ellie?" Spinner walked out of the room and down the hall. Apparently, Marco was supposed to follow him, and he did, jogging slightly to catch up.

"Absent," Marco replied, watching Spinner trip a few grade sevens on their way out of the building. He laughed and Marco chuckled as well, although wondering why he had feelings, whatever they were, for someone who got kicks out of bullying the inferior.

The two of them rifled their coats and books out of their lockers and exited the school. Marco inhaled the cold winter air and walked down the sidewalk with Spinner at his side.

"How is Ellie, anyway?" Spinner nudged Marco with his elbow and wiggled his eyebrows.

Marco rolled his eyes and shook his head, letting out an aggravated breath. "God, Spinner."

Spinner laughed. "What? I mean, you guys have been going out for, what, a month or two now? You have to have done _something _by now."

"Sorry to disappoint you, but we haven't." Marco shook his head again, and for the second time in the past couple of months, thought something must be really wrong with him. Was he the only who _didn't_ have sex on the brain 24/7? 

"Pathetic," Spinner told him, chuckling. "Oh, but, wait, I forgot, you're gay, so I guess I could see why." He looked at Marco, smirking.

Marco looked back at him, narrowing his eyes, and stopped walking, feeling anger rise up in him. Half of the anger was towards Spinner, and half towards himself. _Why_ did he have to be gay? Why couldn't he just be normal, like all the other guys, whose only thoughts were about sex and sports? "Dude, just shut up."

"Touchy, touchy," Spinner said, smirking still.

"It's just.. It's not funny, okay? I'm sick of you always calling me fag and stuff." _The fact that I think I might have a crush on you doesn't help much either. _Marco raised his hands and put them behind his head, then sighed, covering his face and suddenly feeling tired. 

"Dude, chill." The smirk on Spinner's face slowly turned into a kindhearted smile as they started walking again. The smile quickly vanished, however, and he coughed, looking away for a moment and then back at Marco. "I mean, I know you're not really gay." For a moment, when Spinner said it, there almost seemed to be a hopefulness in his voice.

Marco shook his head quickly, sure he was just imagining it, but remained silent to Spinner's question. As scared and abnormal as Marco felt, a part of him almost _wanted_ Spinner to know his true sexual identity. He wasn't sure why; he knew if he ever did, he'd get taunted to no end. There was even the possibility that Spinner would want nothing to do with him after he found out, _if_ he found out, and Marco didn't want that at all. 

Still not answering, he stared at his feet as the two of them walked in silence. He could feel Spinner's gaze on him, but continued to look down at his shoes. "You're.. You're not gay." It was almost as if Spinner was trying to reassure himself, and he laughed softly. Marco looked up at him, silent and expressionless. Quietly, Spinner asked, "A-are you?"

Marco knew it was coming but wasn't sure what to say. The easiest thing to do was lie, laugh, say "Hell no." For some reason, though, he couldn't bring himself to deny it. Looking away, he noticed they'd reached his house, and, not looking back at Spinner, hurried up the path and inside. He quickly shut the door on Spinner, who was following him, banging on the door with his fist as it closed. "Are you?" he called.

Leaning his back against the door and sliding down to a sitting position, Marco hung his head and took slow breaths, trying to calm himself down, but he couldn't. _Fuck. He knows._ He could feel Spinner's fists against the door again, asking, "Are you? Dude.." To Marco's surprise, he felt something wet on his hand and realized it was a tear. _Men don't cry._ He quickly wiped it away and leaned his head back.

He didn't realize on the other side, Spinner was sitting, back against the door.

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A/N: Oi. This chapter sucked anus, didn't it? I apologize. It was pretty short too. I promise to make it up to you.. Er.


	5. Chapter Five: Obvious

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A/N: Whoa. Didn't expect me to come back, did you? I'm so sorry for not updating this thing in months. I've just been lazy, haven't felt like typing up a chapter. Forgive me? :[ I'll try to be better about it. Here's the fifth chapter, I hope my little hiatus didn't damage my writing sKiLlZ (rofl) too bad. Oh, and a new character.. Well, not NEW as in I made him up, but new that he hasn't been in the story yet. I figured I needed something to attract more readers, and well.. Putting him in my story is probably my best bet. (And if you haven't figured out who I'm talking about yet, HI you're dumb.3)

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Cruel Despair

Chapter Five

"They're back together, huh?"

Ellie nearly jumped out of her seat. She turned her eyes away from their fixed state on Ashley Kerwin and Jimmy Brooks, who were sitting a few lunch tables away, laughing, hand in hand. Looking for the speaker, her gaze landed on Craig Manning, who was approaching her with a small, disappointed smile on his face, clutching his lunch tray. She wasn't sure why, but at that moment, she felt her heart skip a beat. Shaking her head at herself with her brow furrowed, she replied, distractedly, "What?"

"Them." Craig nodded in Ashley and Jimmy's direction, and then turned back to her.

"Oh." Struggling to gain her composure, she smiled slightly and nodded. "Yep."

"Damn." Craig slid into the seat across from her and stared down at his lunch tray. Ellie frowned sympathetically, feeling a tad bit sorry for the kid. She knew he'd been crushing on Ashley big time, and Ashley sure hadn't been trying to push him away.

"Hey," Ellie said, smiling a bit in an attempt to cheer him up. "There're more turtles.. in the lake.. or.. something.." she stumbled. _Oh God, what the hell am I saying._

Craig sighed and nodded, glancing up at her. "I know, you're right, I just.." He trailed off, staring absentmindedly behind her.

Ellie nibbled at a French fry, trying to think of what to say that would make him feel better. She was never good at this kind of thing; for some reason, however, she couldn't stand to see Craig with that sad look in his eyes. She was scared, though, that if she tried to say something, she would start mumbling and rambling on like an idiot. There was something about Craig that she never noticed before. She couldn't put her finger on it, but whatever it was, it was making her nervous. 

They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Craig suddenly seemed to land back on Earth. "Oh. Sorry," he apologized. "Kinda spaced out there."

"It's okay." Ellie smiled weakly at him, and then, suddenly realizing she was acting like every other idiot bimbo who lusted after Craig, decided to ignore her shaking hands that were on her lap and talk to him like a normal person. "Don't worry, I kinda got screwed, too. Now that they're back together, Ashley's hardly spoken a word to me."

Craig smiled at her with the same sympathetic look she had given him previously, and, much to her dismay, felt herself get chills. _What the hell is wrong with you? _she thought, forcing herself to look away from him. _You do _not_ like Craig Manning. You are _not_ turning into some pathetic obsessed loser. _She gripped the edge of her seat with her trembling hands angrily.

"Are you okay?" Craig asked, a hint of a smirk across his face. 

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He knows. I like him. He knows it. Probably has girls do the exact same thing around him every day, Ellie thought, narrowing her eyes in disgust. "Cocky bastard," she mumbled under her breath.

"What?" he asked, the smirk slowly spreading across his face while Ellie tried as hard as she could to control herself.

"Nothing," she spat, looking down at the table and forcing her glaring eyes to stay fixed on an ant that was scattering across it.

After a moment of silence, Ellie started to feel her heartbeat go back to normal and eased her grip on the edge of her seat, slowly exhaling the breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. She reached up and tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear calmly. Before she could stop herself, though, her eyes met Craig's, who was still staring at her with his annoying but irresistible smirk. "What?" she asked self consciously.

Craig's smirk turned into a grin. "Ellie?" Just hearing him say her name made Ellie's cheeks flush. Too flustered and frustrated with herself to speak, she raised her eyebrows at him, her heart starting to quicken its pace. "Do you wanna see a movie or something tomorrow night?"

Her eyes widening, Ellie grasped her once again shaking hands under the table, and forced herself to clamp her mouth shut, which had been hanging open. Her eyes wandered around, wondering what she should give him as an answer. _Say no! _she told herself. _You don't like Craig.. You can't. _She bit her lip. _But if I don't like him, then why am I acting like a five-year-old? _Before she could stop herself, her mouth opened and she heard herself say, "Okay."

Apparently satisfied with her answer, Craig smiled and stood up from the table, picking up his lunch tray. "Great. I'll pick you up around seven." Flashing his perfect smile at her one last time, he turned and walked to the garbage can, dumping his tray and then disappeared.

As Ellie watched him walk off, she panted and sunk down in her seat. _What are you getting yourself into, _she thought, blowing her bangs from her face. _Idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot. _

She couldn't hold it in anymore. Defeated, a small smile crept across her face.

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A/N: Okay, hi, did that suck? And no this Ellie/Craig stuff is not completely random, it will play a part in the story eventually. Ellie's so cute when she's all puppy-love-y. -petpet-


	6. Chapter Six: Just Know You're Not Alone

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A/N: You guys didn't think I'd completely forget about the whole Spinner/Marco thing, did you? Of course I didn't. Heheheheheheheeeee.. As I go fan girl. Um. -cough- Excuse me, I'm good.

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Cruel Despair

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Chapter Six

The sound of the phone ringing broke the silence in Spinner's bedroom. Alarmed and feeling his heart skip a beat hopefully, he jumped off of his bed to reach out for it, just in time to get his leg caught in his bed sheet. Before falling, he grabbed the receiver, then tumbled down, landing on the floor. He cursed in pain as his head hit against his desk. Rubbing the back of his head, he said breathlessly into the phone, "Hello?"

"Gavin, it's me," his mother's voice answered. 

Sighing, a little disappointed, Spinner leaned his head back against the floor and stared up at the blank ceiling. "Oh, hey, Mom."

"Your dad and I'll be out late tonight," she told him. His parents had gone out of town to some family gathering which he nor his sister had been too keen on attending. They were allowed to stay home, on the condition that if anything turned up broken or missing by the time they got back, the shit would hit the fan. "I put money on the kitchen table, you guys can order a pizza." 

Smiling slightly to himself, Spinner replied, "Okay."

"Is everything going all right there?" his mom asked, raising her voice a little bit to be heard over the chatter in the background. 

"Everything's fine," he answered, trying his best to sound convincing. He wasn't lying, but he knew his mom didn't like leaving him and Kendra alone for long periods of time. As much as he reminded her that they weren't five anymore, she still worried. "Kendra's downstairs working on her homework. I'm just watching TV." He glanced at the TV screen across the room, which had been on mute for as long as he'd had it on.

"All right," she answered on the other end. 

He could hear there was still some tension in her voice. "Mom, trust me. We're fine. Don't worry."

After letting out a sigh, she replied, her voice lightening. "Well.. okay. Just behave yourselves."

"Will do. Bye, Mom." He hung up after she had told him goodbye, and then stood up, dusting himself off. He glanced around, his eyes landing back on the phone, and for the millionth time that night, wondered if he should just call Marco. Ever since the night Marco had left him sitting on his door step, he couldn't stop wondering if it really was true. If Marco was gay. 

And it made Spinner start to question himself. Before, he had never really thought too in depth about the things he was thinking about now. He wasn't stupid, or in denial. He was starting to come to the realization that the way he'd been looking at Marco lately, the way he'd been feeling around him.. It wasn't the way a friend looks at or feels for another friend. He wasn't sure why it was so easy for him to admit it to himself; he knew he should be scared or freaked, or something. But he wasn't. It just felt natural. 

In the past, the only thing he'd ever known was liking girls. It was what guys did. They liked girls. He never gave it a second thought. The girls that had been in his life.. He'd never really felt much at all for them. He just never knew he was _supposed_ to feel more. He'd followed the crowd, and figured that that was how it was supposed to be, how it was supposed to feel.

But now that Marco had come into the picture like this, Spinner was looking at things in a whole different light. He felt more for Marco than he'd ever felt for anyone else.. It was different, complicated. And wrong. He knew it was wrong. Imagine, if Jimmy or Paige or his sister ever found out he felt like he did for a guy. But he couldn't help it. 

Spinner felt the back of his head throb in pain and rubbed it again. "Thinking way too much," he muttered to himself. Deciding to head get himself a snack, he left his room and raced down the steps into the kitchen. 

"Whoa." Spinner turned his head and saw Kendra sitting at the kitchen table, glancing up from the homework she'd been working on. "Looks like you're in a hurry. Let me guess. Refridgerator?" 

He smirked. "You know me too well." Then he spotted the twenty dollar bill his mom had left on the table for the pizza. Reaching across Kendra's books and papers, he grabbed the bill. "Almost forgot."

"Pizza?" Kendra asked hopefully, setting her pencil down on the table. 

"Yep." He grabbed the phone off of the wall and dialed the nearest pizza place, the number he knew by heart. Ordering a large pizza topped with pepperoni, anchovies, and pineapple, he hung up the phone.

"I don't like anchovies," Kendra told him, her eyes fixed back on her homework as she scribbled something down.

Spinner walked over to a cabinet and grabbed a glass, then turned the tap on on the sink and filled it with water. "Pick 'em off." Just as he raised the glass to his lips, the phone rang. Spinner felt his heart skip a beat once again, and raced back to the phone after setting his glass down on the counter, grabbing it just before Kendra could.

"Sheesh," she mumbled, rolling her eyes, then sat back down at the table again.

Spinner took in a long breath and then let it out before answering. "Hello?"

"Is Spinner there?" His eyes widening, Spinner turned away from Kendra as he heard Marco's voice on the other end.

"This.." His first try came out high and weak, so Spinner cleared his throat and spoke again. "This is him."

"Oh, hey," Marco said. Just hearing his voice made Spinner's face start to feel hot, and he turned and glanced at his sister, who was giving him a weird look. He walked out of the kitchen and into the living room, sitting down in a chair as Marco spoke. "I was wondering.."

A second of silence followed as Marco trailed off. "Yeah?" Spinner asked. 

The boy on the other end sighed. "We need to talk."

Curious as to what they had to talk about, Spinner replied, "O-okay.."

"Just.. come over, all right?" Spinner could hear a nervousness, an urgency, in Marco's voice.

"All.. all right." Hanging up the phone, he stood up from the chair and grabbed his shoes, pulling them on his feet hurridly and tying them. He grabbed his jacket and pulled it on, looking up to see Kendra standing in the doorway.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"Out." After he said it, he felt bad for giving his sister short answers, so he added, "I'll be back soon." He pulled open the front door and stepped out into the chilly air. "What about the pizza?" he heard Kendra call just as he shut the door.

__

She'll get over it, he thought, even though he felt a pang of guilt for leaving his sister by herself. Shrugging it off, he quickened his pace, and soon found himself back on Marco's doorstep, just where he'd been before. Hesitantly, he tapped on the door and was surprised when it flew open immediately. 

Marco stood in the doorway and Spinner felt himself get chills, not just from the weather. "Come in," Marco said with the same tone of voice he had had on the phone; nervous, edgy. Spinner stepped inside and Marco shut the door behind them, then walked in front of Spinner who was taking his jacket off. "You _cannot tell anyone_." The words came out short and serious, and Spinner backed away a bit.

"Tell anyone what?" he asked, trying to be nonchalant, although he was struggling to keep his balance, shaking slightly over how close Marco was standing to him.

Marco's eyes widened a bit, as if he wasn't expecting Spinner to say it, and then seemed to loosen a bit. He let out a small sigh and looked down. "That I'm.."

He continued to stare at the floor as he trailed off. "You're..?" Spinner looked at him in what he hoped was an innocent, curious look, although now, he was sure of it. Marco _was_ gay.

"That I'm.." Marco paused for a minute, and then raised his voice and started again in a frustrated tone. "That I'm gay!"

Spinner licked his bottom lip as his hands started to shake. He grabbed the arm of a chair beside him and tried as hard as he could to not let his legs collapse beneath him. Even though he knew that was what Marco was going to say, hearing him say it hit him hard.

The room was silent for a few minutes, that in Spinner's mind, felt like an eternity. He looked at Marco, who was still staring down, and then suddenly, raised his eyes to meet Spinner's, gazing at him through his thick, dark lashes. "Well?"

Spinner swallowed nervously. "What?"

Marco looked at him in disbelief. "_What_?" he repeated. "Now's the time when you call me Marcy or.. fag or.. run out of here in disgust."

At that moment, Spinner realized how hard he'd been on Marco in the past. Making fun of people was what he did, and he usually didn't mind if it hurt people. Now, though, it was different. He didn't want to hurt Marco. In fact, he wanted the exact opposite. He immediately regretted the names he had called Marco in the past, and decided that if he was going to get any closer to him, he better try to make amends as soon as he could.

"Marco," he started, trying to think of how to put into words how sorry he was. As hard as he tried to pick and choose the words carefully, though, he couldn't stop himself from blurting out everything that was on his mind. "I never meant to get you pissed and I'm really sorry about all that, I guess I never thought about how much it would bother you and I won't do that anymore, I promise, just please don't be pissed and I won't tell anyone, I swear, and.."

He paused as he looked at Marco, who was still giving him a look of disbelief. "I know what you're doing," he said, his eyes narrowed angrily.

"What?" Spinner asked, trying not to get frustrated. "I'm not doing anything.."

"Bullshit," Marco spat, stepping closer to Spinner again. Marco was a good couple of inches shorter than him and smaller, but even so, it made Spinner take a step back.

Getting angry at himself over how wussy he was acting, and angry at Marco for thinking that Spinner had hidden intentions, Spinner glared at Marco and felt heat rising to his face. "Dude, I'm not doing anything," he repeated sharply. "I'm sorry. What the fuck more do you want?"

"Yes you are!" Marco yelled. "I'm not an idiot! There's no way you've changed so quickly from an ignorant bastard to.. to _this_!"

Spinner wasn't sure what made him do it. Frustration, anger, maybe. All he knew was that his hands reached out and grabbed Marco's collar, and before he could stop himself, his lips were crashing against Marco's.

It was like Spinner was in a whole different universe. He was kissing a guy. And he liked it. Marco was showing no response, but Spinner didn't mind. They stayed like that for a minute, their lips pressed together. Then, Marco started to kiss him back. Scared at how fast his heart was beating and how much he wanted it, he pushed Marco away roughly. "Dude, what the fuck are you doing?!"

"What am _I_ doing?!" Marco shouted, his face red. "You're the one who.."

Spinner glared at him and then turned and sat down on the couch, his body tense. He couldn't believe what he'd just done. He buried his face in his hands and breathed slowly, trembling.

He heard the couch move beside him, and ran his hands down and away from his face. Marco was looking at him, his eyebrows furrowed a bit but his expression was soft. Spinner glanced away and then back at Marco. Their eyes met and Marco leaned across the couch, his eyes slowly closing. Knowing what was coming, Spinner shut his eyes quickly and their lips touched again, only this time they kissed gentle and slow. 

The kiss lasted forever and then only a second. Marco broke it slowly and then turned back and sank down against the couch, his shoulder rested against Spinner's. And they stayed like that a while.


	7. IMPORTANT

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A/N: I apologize for not adding another chapter, and sadly, I still haven't finished the next one yet. What is this, then? It's come to my attention that people are posting this at the-n.com message boards. The user name I use there (although I seldom go on the boards) is **youremine**, so if you see anyone else posting this story, it's not me. I really don't know why people would take this and claim it as their own, but it's making me not want to continue writing this. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet.

Thanks for all the amazing reviews, guys. I really appreciate them.. You guys are too sweet. I'm still working on the next chapter.. and IF I do decide to post it, it'll probably be soon.


	8. Chapter Seven: Confusion is Nothing New

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A/N: Obviously, I've decided to continue. Thanks for all the support, guys. :-* I apologize for not having written in a long while. You all have permission to kill me. I hope none of you thought this was over because there's no way I would just end it like that. I'm getting a little indecisive about where this is going after these next couple of chapters, though -- I've determined that what I was going to do before just won't work, so we'll see. Anyway, hope this doesn't suck too bad. 

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Cruel Despair

__

Chapter Seven

The sound of his alarm clock ringing into the early Monday morning awoke Marco from his slumber. His eyelids slowly pulled apart and he stared up at the ceiling for a moment before stretching his arms over his head, yawning softly. A soft groan escaped his lips as the realization that it was Monday hit him. And then, a louder, much more meaningful groan sounded as he recalled the events of the weekend prior. He sat up straight in his bed, sheets still covering the lower portion of his body and his weight supported by his arms propped up behind him. He let out a shaky, scared breath. There was no way he could go to school that day.

Marco's thoughts reeled back to the previous Friday, and a small smile spread across his face. Spinner had _kissed_ him. Spinner Mason, one of the most seemingly ignorant, hot headed people Marco had known, had kissed him. It was almost unreal. It would have been _completely_ unreal if he couldn't still feel Spinner grabbing his collar and then his lips pressing his in a forceful way, but at the same time tenderly. When Spinner pushed him away, he'd looked almost as shocked as Marco had. And then everything else was a blur in his mind; they'd kissed again, softer, slower, more carefully, still nervous but not so much. 

It was all Marco had thought about that night and the following day. In all of the confusion about who he really was, he'd never thought that much about someone being so close to him, or the way his first kiss with someone of the same sex would feel. But now that it had happened, he was convinced that it was the only way that he would have wanted it. Neither really knew what they were doing, but it had worked, somehow. He couldn't get his mind off of it. 

How many times Marco'd picked up the phone that Saturday and begun dialing Spinner's number before thinking better of it and hanging up, he couldn't count. He wanted so bad to speak with Spinner, to see if he'd been feeling the same way, to try to find out if maybe, just maybe, something more would develop, as unlikely as it seemed. But he got hold of himself before dialing all the way. He didn't want to put any pressure on Spinner; Marco had known about his sexuality for a while, but as far as he could tell, Spinner hadn't, and he thought that maybe he needed time to sort things out. And, truth be told, Marco was a little nervous. What if it had just been some spur-of-the-moment thing; what if Spinner completely and utterly hated him after that?

A much worse, heart-wrenching feeling sunk in the next day. It hadn't dawned on him before that, but the more and more Marco thought about it, the more it started to make sense and the more he was convinced that it was true. What if the kiss had been Spinner's deranged way of making fun of him? What if it had all been a part of a plan to sabotage Marco, to expose his sexuality to the entire school? He began to wonder if Spinner had placed a hidden camera somewhere; if he'd caught the whole thing on tape and was planning on showing it to everyone to make a fool out of him? He'd never be able to show his face in Degrassi's halls again. By the time Sunday night rolled around, Marco was one hundred percent convinced that his fears were correct.

His breathing becoming somewhat heavy and beads of sweat forming on his forehead, Marco sat in bed for a moment before tumbling onto the floor. He contemplated what he'd tell his mother when he got downstairs; the good old I'm-not-feeling-good-I-think-I-might-have-strep-throat-and-I've-got-a-headache excuse usually worked, so he chose his words carefully while bounding down the steps into the hall.

"Mom, I don't feel good." Marco turned into the gleaming white kitchen, his mom standing at the refrigerator, pulling a carton of orange juice out. As she spun around to face him, Marco fixed a sick and, what he thought to be, heart breaking expression on his face, trying to sound as sick as possible. He even lifted his fist and coughed into it weakly, before looking up at her with puppy dog eyes.

His mother gave him the once over, staring at him for a moment, before her eyes rolled skyward and she reached up into the cabinet to pull a couple of glasses down. "You're going," she told him sternly, filling the glasses with the juice.

"But Mom--" Realizing that his plead came off too anxious and not sick enough, he coughed once again and frowned. "Mom, I really don't think I can."

She turned and handed him one of the glasses. "_You're going_," she repeated, a knowing expression across her face.

Defeated, Marco sighed and took the glass, narrowing his eyes at his mother as he took a small sip. He set the glass down on the counter and turned back out of the kitchen, trudging up the stairs and into his room.

After quickly pulling some clean clothes on, fixing his hair in the mirror, spraying on some cologne and grabbing his backpack, Marco stole a glance at the clock. He noticed that there were only ten minutes until the first bell rang, so he raced out of his room and down the steps, shouting a quick "Bye!" to his mom before disappearing out the door and slamming it behind him.

As he walked down the sidewalk, shivering slightly from the cold air, his thoughts flooded back to Spinner and the weekend's events. His shoulders tensed and his pace began to quicken. He didn't know what he was going to do. He winced as he imagined people staring at him, calling him names, backing away from him, disgusted. He didn't know how he would handle it--_if _he could handle it.

When he reached school grounds, his fears were confirmed. Every head--passing by, standing on the steps or on benches--turned in Marco's direction, then to the closest person to whisper something. He sucked in his breath, his eyes darting to the ground, his heart racing and pounding in his ears. This couldn't be happening.

He continued to walk quickly, finally reaching the steps leading inside. He gripped the railing tightly with a sweaty hand before hearing someone call out his name. "Marco.."

Stopping dead in his tracks, Marco lifted his head and waited for the person to approach him, deciding that if someone was going to start something, he was going to take it like a man. He wouldn't run away and cry, even if that's what everyone expected him to do, since they all knew he was gay. He furrowed his eyebrows, feeling suddenly disgusted with himself.

"Marco." He recognized the voice as Terri MacGreggor's; someone he knew from class but didn't associate with much. She stopped beside him, and, to Marco's surprise, placed a hand on his arm gently. What surprised him more, however, was the look on her face. It wasn't a look of horror; it was soft, one of sympathy. He raised an eyebrow at her cautiously. 

"I'm so sorry," Terri told him. She stared at him for a moment longer, and then, giving him a slight pat on the arm, walked away. 

Too stunned to say anything, Marco stared after her, his mouth gaping open. He glanced around at his surrounding classmates and was shocked to notice that they were all wearing the same sympathetic expression Terri had. Bewildered, Marco slowly continued to walk up the steps, the occasional person reaching out and patting him just like Terri, muttering their condolences. He had no idea what was going on, but one thing was for sure: his sexuality was still a safely kept secret. His shoulders relaxed as he entered the school.

After spinning the combination on his locker and pulling it open, Marco looked up to see Jimmy Brooks approaching him. He pulled out a few books, and then, shutting his locker, turned towards his friend.

"Hey, man, I heard what happened," Jimmy said, his hands clasped together and a nervous look on his face as if he wasn't sure how Marco'd react.

Marco leaned against the locker, looking up at him. "Really? Could you tell me, then?"

A puzzled expression crossed Jimmy's face. "What, you don't know?" Marco shook his head. "Oh, man, that's low.."

"_What_ is?" Marco asked, a little more desperately. "People've been coming up to me for the past five minutes telling me how sorry they are, and I don't even know what they're talking about."

Jimmy sighed. "Look, I probably shouldn't be the one telling you this, but.." Marco raised his eyebrows as Jimmy glanced to the left and right before leaning closer, his voice lowering. "Ellie and Craig had a date this weekend."

"What?" Marco let out a small, relieved laugh. That was all? He'd been worrying himself for nothing.

Apparently, Jimmy had taken his question as one of shock and outrage. "I know, I'm sorry, dude." He clamped a hand on the other boy's back, steering him inside homeroom. He rolled his eyes knowingly. "Chicks."

"Yeah, chicks.." Marco's spotted Spinner as soon as he walked inside. He was sitting in his regular seat, but his body was abnormally straight and upright, his eyes fixed ahead of him. However, he glanced up as the two entered, and, as his and Marco's eyes met, a small, almost unnoticeable, but _there_, Marco was sure of it, smile formed on his lips. Marco smiled back before sliding into his chair, feeling ultimately better about things.

That is to say, he felt better until his gazed landed on Ellie. She, too, was sitting tense in her seat, not looking at anyone. Immediately as Marco saw Paige and Hazel shooting daggers at her and whispering to each other, he realized why.

"Ellie.." he whispered. She turned towards him, her face expressionless. "Are you okay?"

"What do you think?" she mumbled, before turning back face-front in her seat as Mrs. Kwan* cleared her throat. Marco did the same, and the teacher began to speak in her dull, flat tone. Marco sighed, sure that it would be a long day, but at least one thing was good--from what he saw, Spinner didn't seem to hate him.

Homeroom passed slowly and painfully. Finally, the ring of the bell sounded throughout the hall and Marco jumped up, hoping to catch up with Spinner. He was already out the door, though, and by the time Marco had reached the hallway, he seemed to have disappeared. Sighing softly, he made his way to his locker, still receiving sympathetic stares and "I'm sorry"'s and pats on the shoulder. He played along, trying his hardest to look sad, but stopped when he head a loud voice coming from the end of the hallway.

"... SUCH A LITTLE SLUT! MARCO'S TOO GOOD FOR YOU, ANYWAY. I DON'T KNOW HOW HE PUT UP WITH YOU FOR SO LONG."

"I'M A SLUT? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN YOURSELF?"

Marco spun around on his heel and spotted Paige and Ellie, both red in the face and glaring at each other. A small crowd had formed around them, watching.

"Yeah, I'm not the one who cheats on my boyfriend, thanks." Paige gave Ellie a nasty look.

Ellie's gaze fell to the dirty, tiled floor. "I didn't cheat on my--"

"We all know, Ellie! Don't deny it. I saw you there with Craig--" A hush fell over the spectators and they began whispering to each other. It seemed that the fact that Craig had been the one who Ellie had gone out with was news; eyes bulged and mouths dropped. It made Marco sick.

Taking in a deep breath, Marco took a couple of steps towards the feuding girls, unsure what he was about to do, but knew it had to be something. He couldn't stand there and watch the two fight; after all, essentially, it was Marco's fault for the fight. If Marco hadn't kept playing the boyfriend to Ellie's girlfriend, as fake as it was, none of this would have happened and he couldn't stand by, letting Ellie get attacked. But what was he supposed to do? If he told everyone that the two hadn't really been dating, then more questions would arise. He walked over to the two, feeling incredibly guilty, but just as he opened his mouth to speak and both girls turned towards him, a shadow fell over the crowd.

A stern look was on Principal Raditch's face. "You three. My office. Now."

*Yeah, I couldn't remember whose homeroom the grade nine's were in.. I asked Sesen (love you, btw :-*) and she said Kwan, so I hope it's right. If not, forgive me.


End file.
